A description of what it is like to be me. In my head...in my world...what I think...what I do...how i poo...but never why...and never about pie...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005


Un-fucking-believable. I just called his home and she answered the phone. WTF?

Friday, August 26, 2005

A game!

I got this idea from a fellow blogger:

List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

BTW- these are in no certain order- just as they popped into my head...

1. Chopping Broccoli - Dana Carvey - SNL
2. When Worlds Collide - Powerman 5000
3. That's Amore - ???
4. Toxic - Britney Spears
5. Singin in the Rain
6. Somebody Told Me - The Killers
7. Superhero - Janes Addiction - Strays
8. Lonely Rainbow - Vanessa Paradis duet with Lenny Kravitz
9. Everything Will Be Allright - The Killers
10. Mr. Brightside - The Killers

You're tagged!


I have a new one - let's do top ten movies DVD's right now too...here I goes:

1. Anchorman - "We've been comin to the same party for 15 years...and in no way is that depressing." "It's so hot! Milk was a bad choice!"
2. Entourage dvd - HBO 1st season - I am so addicted to this show right now!
3. Sports Night show dvd - this show was incredible and stars the hottie from 6 feet under - what a great show that got cancelled!
4. Arrested Development dvd - another GREAT show!
5. Six Feet Under dvd
6. Chapelle's Show dvd
7. Monk tv show dvd - when Bitty Schram was still Monk's assistant - the new girl is annoying and there is too many plot holes in the newer episodes.

... to be continued - I can't think of anymore right now and I gotta get some work done brfore the day is over.

Thursday, August 25, 2005


I wonder if this is salvagable. I wonder if there is a chance to forgive & forget all that has transpired. My soul has been thru a myriad plethura of highly emotional and potentially damaging situations that could impact the whole stae of affairs between him & I. I am sitting here pondering it all and wondering what is to become of the future. Up to this point I have believed that "this too shall pass" and sort of been waiting on the sidelines to see what will happen. In the meantime, telling myself - just ignore it and it will eventually work itself out and she will fade away and he will profess his undying desire to be with me - b/c this is of course what he wanted all along. And I am then - what - waiting there with open arms? I feel as if I have already forgiven so much and somewhat sacrificed myself in doing so. Do you ever get that feeling that somewhere along the way, in between all the car crashes and the late nite phone calls and consoling and overall self-proclaimed happiness that you've diluted yourself into believing in, that maybe you've somehow lost yourself in the process? I have always wanted to believe in "happily ever after" and in one true love for everyone - but how do you rekindle those first feelings of excitement of something new when it isn't new at all - it's just only begun. And has it began? I have returned to that all too familiar place of confusion and frustration and I don't know what to make of it all. We are going to Destin for labor day weekend and I have invited RAS to come with. He has accepted. He has told me that she is gone. That she is officially gone. But he has said she was gone before and it has turned out to be false. How do I believe what someone says when they have lied to me over & over again? I truly want to believe his words...I do, but how? How am I suppossed to not think that every word out of his mouth is a fabrication to paint himself in a more desirable light? But then I think about his actions towards me, even when she was around. Can a person change? He has been in a emotionally abusive relationship for 4(ish?) years. He has supposedly been trying to break up with this psycho for at least a year now. He even told me once that the reason he invited MJ( MJ is the girl he broke up with right before we re-connected) to move in with him was to get rid of "her". I just don't know what to think anymore and Destin is coming up soon. Every time I talk to him lately - its like I just want to know what's going on with her b/c I don't trust him to confess to me the truth. And I realize that this whole time he has been trying to keep me out of the loop b/c he feels like there is certain information that I don't need to know. Well I agree -there is alot I wish I didn't know - but on the other hand he sits there and calls me everytime shit goes bad with her. WTF? MIXED SIGNALS anyone? No wonder I'm so fucked in the head!

Is he really coming to Destin?
Why hasn't he called me lately?
Do we really have anything to talk about anymore?
I just want to forget everything and turn over a new leaf - but I can't do that until we get some things straight first. And I don't think I will be able to relax with him until we have a talk about where THIS is going - if anywhere.
It seems as if there is something there that has been stifled and supressed and put on the back burner due to unfortunate circumstance beyond my control. Not beyond his control - b/c i think he has been a balless pussy, but I digress... But I do think that the first relationship needs to be laid to rest and buried in a grave before we can try and pursue anything. So what was I thinking inviting him to Destin? Well, shit - I want him there! We have so much fun together WHEN we are together.
I need him to tell me exactly what his intent is with me. That's all I want to know. That and to completely stop all contact with "her". God Help Me - I'm losing my mind...

Friday, August 19, 2005

Dilemma's & Decisions with a dash of irritability and maybe perhaps a smidge of jealousy?

Butch Walker is playing a "secret show" tonite at the Loft. I have to go. I love him. BUT my bro came into town last nite from NJ and I will only get to spend time with him TONITE. ARGH! What to do, what to do...the decision SEEMS obvious, but, but, but BUTCH! UGH. Also, Homeroom is playing tonite at 10 High and my roomie wants me to go with her so she can flirt with the guitarist Kenneth. ARGH! WHY ALL ON THE SAME NITE?!

Also new in the Blue News....
There is a new girl here at work. I actually was asked to be part of the interview process - helping to determine her personality fit in the 2nd interview - to see if she would get along well here. Originally, I really liked her and thought she would fit in nicely. But the girl is 22 years old. She has a 2 yr old - and I thought this would make her a little more responsible and mature - but she's been here a total of 4 days (today will be her 5th) and the bitch is complaining about every little thing she has to do. Her PRIMARY responsibility is to answer the phones in a pleasant and professional manner, SECONDARY is to put together the binders full of all our product literature and send it out to the reps who request them, and TERTIARY is to help CR out with her daily duties which may include adding sales leads into ACT and other such tasks. Well, she comes in here yesterday at 8:45 (she's supposed to be here at 8:30 PROMPT to answer the damn phone - p.s - i HATE answering the phone) and is back here talking to me and my office roomie about who knows what i wasn't really listening - but the phone keeps ringing and I KEEP ANSWERING - she isn't even attempting to reach for it. Then it finally rings enough so that she makes the following comment with attitude, might I add: "uh - I guess I have to go answer the phone until CR gets here"


So to make a long story short, CR was telling me that she (lets call her tits magee), so tits magee I guess was bitching about doing the literature and kept asking to do things to help CR - which if she helps CR too much - CR won't have a job to do! Another thing that kind of grated on my nerves was that during my "intro to marketing" presentation I had to give to her and the other new guy from the warehouse - my boss was sitting in the corner undoubtedly listening to what I had to say - and tits magee says in the middle of it: "oh, so the shit you do is pretty easy then." FIRST OFF- NO, my job is not EASY - I love my job and therefore it may seems easy for me - but I got alot to keep track of and stay on top of - I got a alot of balls in the air. And what an insult to say to me! But the other thing about it is she's cussing in front of everyone already? Please. Grow up little girl. Oh yeah and she divulged some interesting info yesterday - she used to work at a club called Oasis - a strip club off of P'tree Industrial? She SAYS she was a waitress and used to make between $600-$700 a NITE. I am sorry, but there is no way a waitress makes that much money. You were a stripper honi - I ain't as dumb as I look.

OH YEAH - and also - CR was telling me that all day yesterday she was in JPA's office flirting with him and bending over and squatting next to him and - and oh girl - stay away from him - he's my man - don't u be getting all cozy or I'll turn on bitch-factor 10 - and you don't want the pointy end of that! Seriously tho - I know he's not actually mine - but that's not the point.

The point is this. She is unprofessional and it is starting to get on my nerves. So today I brought out the girls and I ain't about to take no crap. Lets see what happens!


Thursday, August 18, 2005

No new drama, but I am worried about the evil gnomes living in our house...

So I decided that we needed a small size drink fridge for our front porch - you know for drinks and beer and such so we won't have to travel all the way to the actual fridge in the kitchen every time an icy cold adult beverage is required... So I found one on craigslist for $50. I walked up to the ATM machine in the highlands to retrieve the $50 for said fridge and apparently must have walked away without taking my receipt or card back. I got the $ - but forgot everything else. Now, I NEVER do things like this - STUPID things like leaving my card IN the ATM? It doesn't make sense. I realized it about 2 hrs later when i was digging my money out of my pocket to go pick up the fridge. I started FLIPPING out. No, I COULDN'T have left my card IN the ATM!? Could I? Wait, let's re-trace my steps...We (my roomie, her dog mocha & I) sauntered up to the ATM being obnoxious and talkin smack to one another about nothing inparticular - mainly how her punani stinks. :) And I got money out - and we walked back to our house. Surely I retrieved my ATM card? I mean - the machine would have beeped incessantly at me had I not - correct? Is my mind that pre-occupied to allow me to neglect such an important object? This is not good. This is not healthy. I need less distraction. So When I realized it HOURS later - I wigged out - drove up to the ATM - picked up my fridge - drove home - walked back up to the ATM looking along the ground the entire eay - HOPING it had just fallen out of my shorts and I would spot it in the moonlight. No such luck. I studied the ground some more on the way home - but to no avail. So I got home and brought the fridge up the front stairs (BY MYSELF - i would like to add) "strong like bull" and called to cancel the card. I can't believe what a moron I am - I kept cussing at myself and yelling about how stupid I am (to myself - my roomie wasn't there at the time) and I threw my phone on my bed (not hard) it sort of bounced off and landed on the floor- but not very hard at all - but when I retrieved it - the lcd screen had went black. I couldn't see anything. NOTHING. So now my stupid phone is broke. It SOMETIMES will make outgoing calls and sometimes receive them - but not 100% - so I have to go today to A) the bank to get an atm card for the time being and 2) verizon so I can get my phone fixed - which will porobably cost me some moola. yuck. I also have to get gas - at $2.60 a gallon thats another $40 sucked out of my funds! ARGH! STUPID IRANIANS!

Oh - has anyone ever seen that show called Entourage on HBO? It's directed or produced or maybe both by Mark Wahlberg (HOT) and stars one of the hottest hotties Adrian Grenier. Check it out if u haven't it's great. I just started getting it in my netflix and I am already totally addicted!

Oh yeah and I decided yesterday that when I go to Santa Cruz at the end of next month I am determined to see THE MUFFS live. ROCK!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Fight Fire with FIRE

So I emailed RAS about the Destin trip our company goes on every year to re-invite him since we are talking again (long story - will tell later - maybe) Anyways, I emailed him and said
"I know it might be difficult for you to take off work and to get away from the psycho, but it would probably do you some good to get away and relax and I know we will have a great time."
So then a few hours later I receive an email back that is from his email address, but NOT from him. Continue reading: (and because red is the color of evil...also notice she spells the word "invite" wrong...DUMBASS BIATCH!)
"Thank you for the inite but I won't be able to go".....(Per Roy) You really shouldn't call people names... especially if you have no idea what you are talking about. (Per Roy- he can't go) I am answering for him... while answering all other e-mails to this address. Sounds like fun, hope you have a great time."
So I call him and say - do u know that Beth is answering your emails for you?
Of course he does not know. I explained how I called her a psycho - but that I thought it was addressed to him and for his eyes only - I was mistaken. AND what the hell is she doing checking your email? HOW does she have your password?

So, after I hang up....I wrote back this:

You really shouldn’t read things that don’t belong to you. You knew this was a personal email not addressed to you. I just spoke with Roy and he is not happy about you responding for him. You should let him speak for himself. And as far as “calling people names when I have no idea what I am talking about” – well, you just proved your crazy staus by responding for him. Please do not email me again. (per Emily)


I cc'd all 3 of his email addresses, along with his mother and father.
Don't F with me. I KNOW how to fight dirty you psycho bitch whore!
The end!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

New Message Board - for bitching! :)

I got my own message board! I started the first one for anyone who likes to bitch about whatever. Rant and rave about the bitch who cut u off in traffic this morning, the guy at the grocery store who is in the u-scan-it line with a full cart full of crap, or the friggin lottery ticket buyers at the gas station! ARGH!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Random Mutterings

Hello World. It's been awhile. The reason being is I just haven't felt up to sharing my thoughts or opinions on anything much lately. I do have alot I could go on about though. Where to begin is the hard part. Maybe I can back track and post in the past? Ah, who cares. I'll start with whats in my head right now. I have not spoken to RAS in 3 weeks and 2 days now and I miss him like crazy. I know why we aren't speaking but it still has been hard as hell. I know he will call when the timing is right, but damn, in the meantime seems like it could go on forever. I can't stop thinking about him. I mean, I keep plently busy and have been going out a ton - seeing my friends bands play and such - generally I have been in a pretty good mood...on the surface anyway. The whole situation is eating me up inside and I don't want to talk about it with anyone so please don't ask - I just need to vent about it somewhere and haven't had the time or energy to do so.

Tonight I will be at Fuzzy's Place seeing my friend Mark's band Fernando. I know Fuzzy's place sounds awful but its actually a pretty cool little dive bar off of N.Druid and 85. Last saturday I was at 10 High seeing my friend Connor's band Princess at their CD release party. What a great time we had that nite! It was my roomate & another friend who sauntered up to the bar (oh, yes,I live sauntering distance from the bars...DANGER! DANGER! :) The band began at midnight, I knew the bartender, and the whole crew was at my house after the show. We sat on our front porch and whooped and hollered it up until the wee hours of 5 ish - when our downstairs neighbors complained about the noise...for the 2nd time. (OOPS! sorry guys!) Needless to say Sunday was a complete waste, well, not a complete waste. After I finally peeled myself off the couch around 5:30 I began doing stuff around my house. ALOT of stuff. I took the trash out, hung the porch lights, cleaned the kitty litter, cleaned my room up, finally hung shit on my walls so it doesn't look so empty, Put the kitchen cabinet together and made it look purty, I couldn't stop! Then my friend Mark and I were texting back and forth and he ended up coming by after work to visit and partake in herbal refreshment. :) After he left, I started up doing stuff again and couldn't make myself stop. I finally forced myself to go to bed at like 2am! Ugh. I think I am back on regualr sleeping hours now - but it was a wacky couple of days.

Oh yes, and camping... weeeee!
Next Blog, I promise.