A description of what it is like to be me. In my head...in my world...what I think...what I do...how i poo...but never why...and never about pie...

Saturday, February 15, 2014

VDAY-Part 1

Valentines Day is hard for everyone (pun intended). It’s hard on dudes & bros because there is the pressure of “the perfect gift”.  So many factors to consider. How long have you been dating? A very short time and it can be awkward, because maybe you haven’t said the only 3 words that can break a person’s heart, rip it into shreds, tear it, chew it up, spit it out, throw it on the floor and stomp on it. (what, too much?) Maybe you just started dating a few weeks ago and you don’t know if this is the all impending “ONE”. Maybe you’re dating a couple of people, casually; you reasonably like all of the people, but you’re not ready to choose just one of them yet because you are still getting to know each other and figure out this life thing, this who am I thing, (even some “adults”, who you think might have it all together, still struggle with this one kids ;) etc.

Or maybe you’ve been married for 40 years, or 10, or 2. Maybe you’re in a doomed relationship. Maybe only one of you realizes that. Maybe both of you do. Or maybe you’ve just fallen in love, and everything is rainbows & unicorns & fireworks & happiness…or maybe only one of you feels that way… Or, maybe you’re single. You might be single and bitter about the hope of finding a decent man, a gentlemen, someone who completes you. Maybe you’ve already met & dated the great love of your life, and it was cut too short, or your paths just took different directions, and when your paths finally re-crossed, to reference the late great William Shakespere, “the timing just wasn’t right”. (Romeo & Juliet) Maybe you’re single & hopeful (although I can’t say I know many in this category, even if I do happen to be one of those people) and you’re still waiting for your boy to come (*Barney Beagle). Yeah, I’m single. Single as fuck. In fact, I dropped off boyfriend # 10 back in his natural habitat of crazy town USA right before Christmas 3 years ago.  #3 is the one I miss the most & will always love & cherish forever. But everyone else, I can honestly say that I thought I loved all of them, until something reared its ugly head (the head wasn’t always ugly per se, sometimes it was just a mutual agreeance that it just wasn’t there) & the relationship took a 180. And then, the realization, that I in fact, did NOT love them. I was just disillusioned by the newness & all the attention & doting (who doesn’t love that?) & mostly the POSSIBILITY of love. I’m not the girl who dreamed of her wedding since she was little. I’m not the girl who just wants to have a baby, or get married for the sake of being married, or because all my friends are doing it and I’m “at that age” whatever the hell that means. I’m the girl who refuses to settle for subpar, mediocre companionship just so I won’t be alone. I can tell you, especially after watching several of my friends who have gotten married, and then gotten divorced, I much prefer to be alone than have to have dealt with some of the absolute craziness or instability, or whatever the reason was, that they have had to go through. I remember the first time one of my friends asking me “why aren’t you married? Or maybe it was something more like “you need to get married” but whatever it was I remember thinking to myself even then, I’m not going to just randomly pick some dude to marry because I just want to be married, I want love. I want the best friend companion person. And also, when people ask us single people that question, IT’S FUCKING RUDE & INCONSIDERATE & MEAN. I hear that question as “what is so wrong with you that no man has wanted to be with you, love you, take care of you, be a gentlemen to you, yadda yadda yadda.” Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe there is something. I think I have a great personality, I think I am kind, funny, not terrible looking, and actually, I think I am a great catch. But no one great has caught me. Maybe I am too intimidating. I know I have a strong personality, and I know that most men, even though they say they want an independent woman, don’t. They want a shy, sweet, docile little baby dear or some shit like that. I don’t know. I’ve read through a lot of lame dating profiles, and that is my assessment of what men say they want. So I am a first born, full on firey Aries with spunk & confidence in almost everything I do, and have been this way my whole life. This is one reason my friends love me, is because I don’t hold back much, I say what’s on my mind, and I don’t much care what you or anyone else thinks of me, because, naturally, I think I am always right, and to be fair, I usually am ;) This little personality flaw has hindered and helped me throughout my entire life. I am aware that I can be too much sometimes. I am more aware now that I am not in my early 20’s and have learned to reel it in more, but not always. I am also very sensitive about this personality (quirk? defect?) trait. I was kicked out of church camp when I was 16 or 17 because I thought I was joking around with someone (and I was, it was absolutely coming from a place of jovialness and not meanness or rudeness) and she, being an older lady, did not understand that, did not confront me or ask me about it, and in result, I was not allowed to go back the next year to HELP HOMELESS CHILDREN and be a camp counselor at Camp Baalam. I remember exactly where I was when my youth minister called to tell me that I wouldn’t be allowed back because of this so called “incident”. I was devastated. Hurt. Angry. Confused. What did I do? I didn’t do anything wrong! What? I was kidding! I was joking, and laughing, there were other people there too that knew I was joking around. Anyways, I digress, but this was just the first of many small incidents where I’ve been handicapped or denied whatever the next step was for me on that path. SO maybe that wasn’t the path I was supposed to be on. Maybe, that’s part of what has made me who I am today. I accept this and I am good with this, but it doesn’t change my memories or feelings about things like this. So to get back around to my point, I am aware of this personality issue of mine and I have been working on it my whole life. So why AM I single? Who knows, maybe I want to be, maybe I don’t even know that about myself yet. What I do know is this. I do get lonely sometimes. I don’t focus on it or dwell or cry or anything like that, but on occasion, I do. I want someone to be that person I can call and share exciting news with, or that “go-to” person for when I want to go see a show, try a new restaurant, whatever it is. I have lots of friends, girl & guy, but they are either married, in serious relationships, or single and a hot mess, or work so much they don’t have a lot of free time to do random things I want to do. I have a few crushes right now that I know are never going to happen, sadly. Either because they are in a committed relationship, or they might be considered “too young for me” although, I would disagree. But mostly my problem isn’t meeting people, it’s finally meeting someone cute, or cool or interesting, then, developing a slight interest, then discovering, they are either A. not single. 2. Not interested or C. A total player/dog/permanent bachelor man whore.  I ask you, where are all the gentlemen? Where are the guys who will hold a door open; not because you are unable to as a lady, but because it is chivalrous and polite, and because their mother raised them right. I don’t know, but I somehow have a knack for finding crazies. FML.

Part 2 coming soon... 


* Barney Beagle lived in a pet shop window. Every day he waited and wished for someone to choose him. People would stop and look at him in the window, and he would always ask himself, "Is this my boy? Is this the boy for me?" But the shoppers would always choose someone else.