A description of what it is like to be me. In my head...in my world...what I think...what I do...how i poo...but never why...and never about pie...

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Take advantage of some unexpected news...

That is what my fortune cookie last night said.

I did get some unexpected news yesterday too...

Mr. RAS called my phone and dropped a bomb on me.
Mr. RAS is going to be a father.
That stupid crack whore is pregnant. I will be surprised she can stay off crystal and stop drinking long enough to have a healthy...I can't even say it.
Poor kid.

But why on earth did he feel the need to call ME after all this time to tell me this news? I haven't talked to the guy in 6 months and out of the blue he calls and says how he has been thinking about me alot, he thought about me on New Years....he was listening to a cd of the Flaming Lips I made for him and was thinking about me...wants to see how I am...if I'm happy...what I've been up to...oh yeah and by the way, Beth is pregnant...but he's not marrying her...

Why is it that I need any of this information?
We're not friends...
We don't hang out...
We don't share each others lives in any way...
There is nothing that bonds us together in any way....
So why do guys feel the need to inform us ex's of their new life changes with other women? Am I supposed to be happy for him? I think he's an idiot for still fucking her when she tends to go psycho and stab him with a key...yeah, that's a real healthy relationship...why don't u throw a kid in the mix and fuck it up even better! Good Job! See ya on Springer in a few years, right?

So that brings me back to the fortune cookie...
How am I supposed to take advantage of this information? I know, I know, its just a stupid fortune cookie...And after receiving this news, it was kinda hard to concentrate at work as you can imagine...He called at like 4 ish...I was supposed to hang out with my boyfriend last night, but as u can imagine, wasn't really in the mood..but I went over there anyways, trying to hide my obvious distraction and shock of the other situation...b/c I can't tell him about it. Oh yeah by the way, the guy I was totally in love with got his psycho girlfriend pregnant and even tho I haven't talked to the guy in 6 months, he felt the need to call and tell me...Why am I upset? Oh no reason baby...you're the best...

blah blah blah...

Just can't really get into a conversation like that with him...
Haven't mentioned RAS at all to JT and don't plan on it...


I just feel like screaming right now.

By the way, the person who kept popping in my head when I posted that song on Feb 1st (Beautiful DIsaster) was one in the same...Mr. RAS.

Monday, February 20, 2006

What's in a name?

Emily Blue --


An immortal

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

St. Valentines Day Sabotage

So I have always hated this holiday with the whole of my soul. It is a stupid day that makes people in a relationship overly sensitive and people not in a relationship, lonely and sad. I am much more familiar with the latter of the 2. However, for the 2nd valentines day in my life I am in a relationship. Yesterday, I fell into the first category, which I am NOT familiar with and became overly emotional and irrational. I do not like this self. She is ridiculous and petty, and she is not me.

However, I may have another explanation for this...

You see, As I mentioned previously, my boyfriend is considering moving to Florida...(did I mention this previously? - well if I didn't, u know now.)
At this point in our relationship, if he moves, I basically see it as being over.
Because 8 hrs is a long way to drive for a weekend visit - and I just don't have that much vacation time - not to mention gas prices, etc.. but I digress...
I say at this point because at THIS point, it will be hard and sad when he leaves, but not impossible or heart breaking. But if he stays, then how long will it be for? Then what? We get more attached to each other, possibly fall in love with each other, and then in a year or so...he decides again to move to Florida. At this point, I don't see myself wanting to leave Atlanta, my job, my family, my friends, my neighborhood, everything I know and love. But who's to say what I will feel in a year? Who's to say that we will even still be together? Who's to say we won't? He says that he's always known he wanted to live on the ocean, preferably Florida. This is the first I've heard of it. I mean, I love the ocean, don't get me wrong. But I have done alot of moving across the country, and I just don't want to move anymore, if ever again! I am comfortable here and familiar in my surroundings. Sure the traffic sucks, but there are drawbacks to everywhere. He on the other hand, does not like it here. I know he hates where he lives and that is probably a big part of it, but for me, I love being here! So how can he hate it so much? Why then am I in a relationship with someone who is unhappy with where he is in life? Which bring me back to my original thought.... Perhaps, I am picking stupid fights with him in order to push him away so it will be easier on myself to get over him leaving. I mean, really, what am I supposed to do? Continue on in a relationship that I know is headed South? (literally and emotionally! get it?! - ha ha i kill me!)

But I like him and I don't want him to leave. I am not ready to make any major decisions about how I feel about him. Do I love him? I don't know. Sometimes I guess. He can be very sweet and kind. But there are other times he drives me crazy. Most of the time he is great tho. Is this the person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with? I honestly do not know. I need more time. The wall is still standing...

Too many questions...not enough answers...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Many of you have sent me comments or told me how you felt in person about my last blog and I have been meaning to re-blog about it. You see, I was very frustrated and upset when I wrote that and just started going off about every little thing that pissed me off about him. However, what none of you could know, is how sweet and caring and nice he can be too. In fact, this is what drew me to him in the 1st place. He opens my door for me EVERY SINGLE TIME I get in the car, or go into a building. He tells me how much he likes spending time with me and how he knows he can be a pain in the ass, and thanks for putting up with him. He tells me how he worries about me, worries for my safety and how he really cares about me. So in his defense, he is actually quite sweet. But now I am faced with another challenge. He is very unhappy here in Atlanta. He doesn't like where he lives (understandably...he lives in the Mattress Factory Lofts off of MLK blvd and there are just a bunch of 18 yr old idiots running around, skate boarding down the hallway, pissing in the hallway, the other night, he came home to a nice chunky puke in the hallway. yummy. Anyways, he doesn't like where he lives, and he isn't making it in his career of choice, which, as can I fully understand, can be extremely frustrating, especially when you spend so much time and effort and passion devoted to one thing that fuels you. So , long story short - his other passion is to become a fishing boat captain. So he is more likely than not, moving to Sarasota, FL when his lease is up. UNLESS by some miracle the John Pence Gallery gives him his own solo show, in which that may possible launch his career. But it looks like he will be moving. Where does that leave me you ask? Well, I don't know. I went through something similar as this when I decided to leave Tim in Colorado. The ONLY thing that was keeping me in Fort Collins, was him - and eventually, I can to resent him for it. I know for a fact I would have been gone sooner if he hadn't of broken his femur that day at Keystone, but he did, and being the good girlfriend, I took care of him, drove him around, and stayed put, while miserable and poor, but felt obligated to care for my broken boyfriend. So I don't want him to stay in Atlanta - only because of me - which he has said, is the only reason he is still here and hasn't took off yet. I don't want him to go, b/c I do like him alot, I like hanging out with him, and everything, but I don't want to hold him back either. He is still in a process and I don't want to be the one to hinder that. I am very confused right now. More later...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

"Beautiful Disaster"

This song reminds me of someone who keeps popping in my head lately...

He charms in his dreams
An exquisite extreme unknown
He’s as damned as he seems
More heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
Lord, it just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby, hold me tight

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster.