A description of what it is like to be me. In my head...in my world...what I think...what I do...how i poo...but never why...and never about pie...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

St. Valentines Day Sabotage

So I have always hated this holiday with the whole of my soul. It is a stupid day that makes people in a relationship overly sensitive and people not in a relationship, lonely and sad. I am much more familiar with the latter of the 2. However, for the 2nd valentines day in my life I am in a relationship. Yesterday, I fell into the first category, which I am NOT familiar with and became overly emotional and irrational. I do not like this self. She is ridiculous and petty, and she is not me.

However, I may have another explanation for this...

You see, As I mentioned previously, my boyfriend is considering moving to Florida...(did I mention this previously? - well if I didn't, u know now.)
At this point in our relationship, if he moves, I basically see it as being over.
Because 8 hrs is a long way to drive for a weekend visit - and I just don't have that much vacation time - not to mention gas prices, etc.. but I digress...
I say at this point because at THIS point, it will be hard and sad when he leaves, but not impossible or heart breaking. But if he stays, then how long will it be for? Then what? We get more attached to each other, possibly fall in love with each other, and then in a year or so...he decides again to move to Florida. At this point, I don't see myself wanting to leave Atlanta, my job, my family, my friends, my neighborhood, everything I know and love. But who's to say what I will feel in a year? Who's to say that we will even still be together? Who's to say we won't? He says that he's always known he wanted to live on the ocean, preferably Florida. This is the first I've heard of it. I mean, I love the ocean, don't get me wrong. But I have done alot of moving across the country, and I just don't want to move anymore, if ever again! I am comfortable here and familiar in my surroundings. Sure the traffic sucks, but there are drawbacks to everywhere. He on the other hand, does not like it here. I know he hates where he lives and that is probably a big part of it, but for me, I love being here! So how can he hate it so much? Why then am I in a relationship with someone who is unhappy with where he is in life? Which bring me back to my original thought.... Perhaps, I am picking stupid fights with him in order to push him away so it will be easier on myself to get over him leaving. I mean, really, what am I supposed to do? Continue on in a relationship that I know is headed South? (literally and emotionally! get it?! - ha ha i kill me!)

But I like him and I don't want him to leave. I am not ready to make any major decisions about how I feel about him. Do I love him? I don't know. Sometimes I guess. He can be very sweet and kind. But there are other times he drives me crazy. Most of the time he is great tho. Is this the person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with? I honestly do not know. I need more time. The wall is still standing...

Too many questions...not enough answers...

1 Comments:

Blogger Kate said...

Hi Blue, I just found the commment you left on blog 12 days ago! Just wanted to thankyou for your words of encouragement and to let you know things are looking up already.I wish you happiness in your relationship and wonder what sort of advice you might give to a friend who was having the same relationship dilemmas as yours? Sometimes it's difficult to see the forest for the trees so to speak. Warmest Regards and Best Wishes, Kate

9:28 PM

 

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