A description of what it is like to be me. In my head...in my world...what I think...what I do...how i poo...but never why...and never about pie...

Thursday, August 25, 2005


I wonder if this is salvagable. I wonder if there is a chance to forgive & forget all that has transpired. My soul has been thru a myriad plethura of highly emotional and potentially damaging situations that could impact the whole stae of affairs between him & I. I am sitting here pondering it all and wondering what is to become of the future. Up to this point I have believed that "this too shall pass" and sort of been waiting on the sidelines to see what will happen. In the meantime, telling myself - just ignore it and it will eventually work itself out and she will fade away and he will profess his undying desire to be with me - b/c this is of course what he wanted all along. And I am then - what - waiting there with open arms? I feel as if I have already forgiven so much and somewhat sacrificed myself in doing so. Do you ever get that feeling that somewhere along the way, in between all the car crashes and the late nite phone calls and consoling and overall self-proclaimed happiness that you've diluted yourself into believing in, that maybe you've somehow lost yourself in the process? I have always wanted to believe in "happily ever after" and in one true love for everyone - but how do you rekindle those first feelings of excitement of something new when it isn't new at all - it's just only begun. And has it began? I have returned to that all too familiar place of confusion and frustration and I don't know what to make of it all. We are going to Destin for labor day weekend and I have invited RAS to come with. He has accepted. He has told me that she is gone. That she is officially gone. But he has said she was gone before and it has turned out to be false. How do I believe what someone says when they have lied to me over & over again? I truly want to believe his words...I do, but how? How am I suppossed to not think that every word out of his mouth is a fabrication to paint himself in a more desirable light? But then I think about his actions towards me, even when she was around. Can a person change? He has been in a emotionally abusive relationship for 4(ish?) years. He has supposedly been trying to break up with this psycho for at least a year now. He even told me once that the reason he invited MJ( MJ is the girl he broke up with right before we re-connected) to move in with him was to get rid of "her". I just don't know what to think anymore and Destin is coming up soon. Every time I talk to him lately - its like I just want to know what's going on with her b/c I don't trust him to confess to me the truth. And I realize that this whole time he has been trying to keep me out of the loop b/c he feels like there is certain information that I don't need to know. Well I agree -there is alot I wish I didn't know - but on the other hand he sits there and calls me everytime shit goes bad with her. WTF? MIXED SIGNALS anyone? No wonder I'm so fucked in the head!

Is he really coming to Destin?
Why hasn't he called me lately?
Do we really have anything to talk about anymore?
I just want to forget everything and turn over a new leaf - but I can't do that until we get some things straight first. And I don't think I will be able to relax with him until we have a talk about where THIS is going - if anywhere.
It seems as if there is something there that has been stifled and supressed and put on the back burner due to unfortunate circumstance beyond my control. Not beyond his control - b/c i think he has been a balless pussy, but I digress... But I do think that the first relationship needs to be laid to rest and buried in a grave before we can try and pursue anything. So what was I thinking inviting him to Destin? Well, shit - I want him there! We have so much fun together WHEN we are together.
I need him to tell me exactly what his intent is with me. That's all I want to know. That and to completely stop all contact with "her". God Help Me - I'm losing my mind...


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