A description of what it is like to be me. In my head...in my world...what I think...what I do...how i poo...but never why...and never about pie...

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Why am I such a bitch?

So I am sitting here waiting for everyone to get their errands finished with so we can head on out of Santa Cruz and up to San Francisco. We're going to tool around the city and then head up to Alcatraz. Should be fun.
So while I am killing time, I thought I would write.

Something is on my mind.

I wrote this terrible awful mean email to someone I used to be friends with and now she will probably never talk to me again. (not that she was speaking to me before)
She is one of those people who are very self-involved and overly dramatic and who thinks she is better than other people and for what reason I don't know.
We used to work together at Planet Hollywood in Atlanta and we used to be very close. Well, as close as you can get when your entire relationship is built in a bar after work with many many cocktails consumed. I guess maybe when you're drunk - everyone is tour friend and maybe u don't always see people for who they truly are. But it wasn't like we only hung out in the bar. I think we did other stuff during days off in the hours of sunlight...i think..i know she helped me to paint my room when I moved into the place on St. Charles. But anyways, back to the issue at hand - I don't know how much time I have.

So my roomate and I threw a big party last weekend and I didn't invite her. Somehow she got wind of it (she wasn't mad or anything) but she wrote me this email:
"heard you moved -- where are you now? how was your partay? ridiculous and drunk, i'm sure. anyway, just wanted to say hi and to see how you're doing."

I don't know how that sounds to you, but to me it sounds kind of pompous. So it kind of pissed me off. I had kept the email in my inbox for a few days, contemplating weather to
A. ignore it completely or
2. rip her a new one
I should have done A. But instead I did 2.
Here is what it wrote:

"I really don't appreciate your high and mighty attitude you always take. "ridiculous & drunk" it was not. EVERYONE had a great time and no one got out of control. You must be referring the parties from St. Charles from 5+ years ago, but then again, maybe it was you who was the ridiculous drunk with all your drama. But I guess u were only like 19 then too. What are you 23 now?

Don't pretend to be my friend. You are obviously self-consumed with your new http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=hoity-toity hoity-toity friends and can't associate yourself with anyone who doesn't impress those around you. Way to go idaho.
The only time you ever try and contact any of your old friends is when you have some sort of announcement or reason for everything to revolve around you. If you DO ever decide to grace us with your fabulous presence, (i believe the last time was over a yr ago at deanna's birthday?) you pretend like u want to hang out with us and that it is US that never call or contact you when you very well KNOW that THAT is some major bullshit.
And don't even try to pull that whining shit about no one showed up to your stupid birthday party at the mexican place - Deanna very much tried to be there for you and call to give you a reason why she could not but you are so selfish that you decided to be angry with her and gave her the cold shoulder. I think Dee informed me that you were all pissed off at me b/c I didn't show either but I had already given up on your dramatic pathetic ass. I also heard that you were all pissed off another time because I didn't call you to check on your sister's health when she was going thru that stuff?

I have something to say about that.

In case u don't remember, let me enlighten you on what was going on with me. I had had NO REAL JOB offers or work in FOUR YEARS. I had been BARELY making it as a fuckin waitress, or doing telemarketing, or some shit $8/hr job just to be able to pay my rent and eat sometimes - the ENTIRE time searching diligently all over the country for a job - any job that had SOMETHING to do wtih graphic design and doing what i love. But to no avail.
I had JUST moved back from Colorado and from my boyfriend who (at the time) I loved and missed very much. And I was TRYING to re-connect with my friends here in Atlanta - most of whom had abandoned me and not bothered trying to stay in touch with me once I had moved away. It's almost like starting over again, b/c these "friends" had already moved on with their lives, realized how to get along and do things with out me in their lives and were doing just fine on their own. It's true. You really learn who your TRUE friends are once you move away.

I was 27 years old, living in my parents basement, unemployed and miserable. If I didn't have such a high-value of my own life, I might have been suicidal - but I was DEFINITELY depressed. I don't expect you to understand.
And you have the nerve to get "upset" with me at that time because I wasn't overly concerned with everything in YOUR life? Well, excuse me, I am so sorry I didn't call to console you. I was busy trying not to give up hope on everything around me at the time.

So as I said earlier, don't try and pretend to be my friend. At one time I called you that, but it was a time when we were all "ridiculous & drunk". A friend doesn't just email u once in a while when they want praise or presents or congradulations just to hang on desparetly to the few people in their lives they haven't shit on.
A friend calls you just to see how you are.
I can't remember anytime that you have ever done that.
Hope u have a nice life."

Then about an hour later I wrote this:

I realize I like totally went off on you this morning. I shouldn't have punished you for things that were obviously my issues to deal with. What can I say - I'm a bitch. I was taking something out on you for no good reason - sometimes I can be a bit "snappy-doo" myself.
Anyways, just wanted to say that I am sorry and I shouldn't have said any of those things.
Hope u don't want me to burn in hell or anything...although I probably will.

Why am I such a bitch?
I feel so completely horrible and awful about it now and there'e absolutely NOTHING I can do about it! It's eating away at me. ugh. Why did I feel I needed to hand it to her so harshly? What can I do to make it right?
Why am I such a bitch?


Post a Comment

<< Home